Part 2: Setting the Stage for Recovery. Grief as an act of Rebellion.

You Have the Power!

The good news is that we can recover from even the most devastating rejections.

Not only can we get back to baseline, but we can grow and become better, stronger, more resilient versions of ourselves. When I look at the story of my own life, rejection and even ostracism are important parts of my personal narrative starting from the time I was a small child in elementary and middle school. Even in my late 30’s I endured a painful rejection that threatened my four psychological needs and caused me significant heartache that took nearly a year to recover from. Nearing 50, though, I attribute so much of my enjoyment of life today to the changes I made in order to take back control and find community, meaning and worth after these experiences. So, how do we get there?

Two phases of healing

We can think of the healing process as occurring in two primary phases. Phase I involves taking the necessary time to set solid foundations for recovery by validating our feelings and committing to some basic personal ground rules. Phase II is the work of rebuilding, where we reimagine what our life might look like beyond the constraints of the person or community from whom we have been excluded.

Phase 1: Setting the stage

The first thing you must do in the face of rejection is grieve. Sit still. Acknowledge the pain. Do not judge yourself for feeling hurt. It may be tempting to try to convince yourself that the loss doesn’t or shouldn’t matter, but that just doesn’t mesh with human history or scientific research. Sure, we may feel embarrassed that we allowed ourselves to experience vulnerability at the hands of another person who didn’t value us - it can be humiliating - but pain at rejection is human.

The willingness to allow room for hurt is an essential act of self-respect - even defiance. It’s an act of rebellion against the internal voices that so often say “I should be above being hurt by other people”, “I’m an idiot for trusting that person” or “I’m weak”. Reject that narrative. The fact that you put yourself in a position to risk rejection is a good thing, a sign that you put yourself out into the world and tried to find connection. Allowing yourself grief acknowledges that you were not foolish, but were instead brave - and that you are entitled to feel bad when things go wrong. This initial choice to feel your feelings without shame is a way to stand strong your own sense of self – an important foundation for recovery.

It can also be very helpful to limit exposure to the source of the rejection – particularly if the rejection was very painful to you. This doesn’t need to be permanent, but while you work to get back on your feet, continual reexposure to the person who has caused you pain can reopen the wounds and make it difficult to process through the pain. If in-person contact is unavoidable but you are sneaking glances at their Instagram profile, limit all social media contact by hiding or even blocking access to their accounts. This will allow you space to grieve without being exposed to their curated online life, which undoubtedly you will imagine to be happier than your own during this difficult time!

I would be wrong if I did not acknowledge that there are some situations in which limiting exposure is difficult or not advisable. One such circumstances that arises is a spouse’s family that chronically excludes a married-in partner, or a socially excluded employee in a job in which they are income-dependent. In these cases, excluded parties must work especially hard during the early healing process to find coping skills and create boundaries needed to protect their recovery space.

Finally, commit yourself to rejecting retaliation. This doesn’t mean being silent about the hurt that has been visited upon you, or even avoiding confrontation - but redirecting the urge to punish the person who has hurt you. Retaliation rarely helps in the long run – and can create a cycle that continually opens new wounds and leaves you even more powerless as the situation escalates.

Psychological researchers Warburton, Kipling, and Cairns conducted a fascinating experiment in 2006 in which they first conducted the cyberball experiment mentioned above and then instructed excluded participants to prepare a meal for the excluders, who they had been told did not like hot foods. Ostracized participants whose sense of control had been most compromised poured four times more hot sauce on the meal than other participants, and the excluders were required to eat it! The experience illustrates how we often retaliate as an attempt to regain control when we feel powerless. It can be a maladaptive way to exclaim ourselves back into existence when we feel we have been erased. Hold back! While retaliation can feel pretty empowering in the short run, cycles of escalating revenge can scorch the psychological and social ground beneath us and distract us from the real business of healing.

Part 3: Rebuilding your Psychological Pillars: https://www.helenglazetherapy.com/post/part-3-rebuilding-your-psychological-pillars