The Pain of Rejection - A Guide to Finding Your Footing Again. Part I: Why does it hurt so much?
- Helen Glaze
- Sep 4, 2023
- 3 min read
Rejection hurts. The human brain is exquisitely attuned to even the most inconsequential forms of exclusion. Sticks and Stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me? Not so. Ostracism researcher, Dr. Kipling D. Williams, acknowledges a special type of “social agony” that follows from being pushed outside the herd. His Need-Threat model explains that social inclusion is not simply a human desire but a basic need, and it can be devastating to the core when can’t get it.
Experimental Psychologists have replicated the experience of exclusion with a simple “cyberball” experiment. They devised a game of online “catch” played by perfect strangers and found that the brain responded to being temporarily ostracized by the group. Participants played the game while inside an MRI and researchers found that the brain’s physical pain centers light up when we are excluded. The results were repeated even when participants were told the “excluders” were people they don’t like, and – tellingly - the effects on mood lasted many minutes after the ending of the game. When we feel ostracized, even in small ways, we struggle. The uncomfortable feelings linger. It’s no wonder we work so hard to avoid it.
Why does it hurt so much?
According to Williams’ Need-Threat model, when we feel excluded, four basic psychological needs are threatened: Meaningful existence, self-esteem, belongingness and control. Let’s take a look at each.
Meaningful existence: Does my existence matter?
When people want us around, we know we matter. When those connections are severed, especially unwillingly, we feel invisible, non-existent. Some cultures use “shunning”, an extreme form of ostracism, to punish members of their community that behave against expected norms. Human rights groups have called it a “social death penalty” and a “form of abuse”. What a unique form of torture, to have been murdered but left to walk the earth to know that others are continuing to live the life we once had!
Self esteem: Am I unworthy?
We would all like to have so much confidence that rejection wouldn’t affect us. But let’s be honest – we are social animals. From the time we are infants, we see ourselves in large part in the reflection of others’ eyes. According to much of psychological theory, our well being as adults is deeply effected by whether our early attachment figures treated us with love and respect. If we are lucky, the important people in our lives view us as worthwhile, lovable people. Those of us from abusive homes, however, experience rejection and ostracism from the very people who should love them the most. Abused and neglected children often internalize abuse as a problem within themselves, thinking: “I can’t get what I want, there must be something wrong with me”.
Even those with loving attachment figures are not immune to the effects of rejection. When a friend makes fun of us, a partner cheats, or an acquaintance ignores us – we see in the reflection of that moment that we are not important to them. It may be easier to externalize rejection with someone not in our inner circle, but research shows that even an unreturned “good morning” to a stranger in a grocery store can have mild ill effects on our self-confidence.
Belongingness: Am I destined to be alone?
When we have strong connections in place, we know better where we fit in the universe. There is no comfort like knowing we are a part of something bigger than ourselves and that we are wanted. When we’re rejected by someone we love or need – a close friend group, a long time partner - we can feel like we’re floating in infinite space with no tether.
Control: Will I always feel this powerless?
Personal agency is an important ingredient in good ego strength. When we believe that we have some mastery over our lives, that our choices and actions can get us what we want or need, we feel like our chances of survival are pretty good. When all our efforts lead to rejection, life is turned on it’s head. What we need, we can’t make happen no matter how hard we try. In fact, trying can actually make it worse. It’s a painful paradox that the competence we have spent much of our lives developing may be of no use in these situations. So how do we recover?
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