Finding the Middle Way: Parenting an Anxious Child

Many children experience anxiety, but there are times when it can seem overwhelming. Parents often ask us, “How do I know if my child needs professional help?” The simple answer: If your child’s anxiety is consistently getting in the way of your family’s functioning, it may be time to seek outside counsel. This can mean that your child consistently refuses to attend birthday parties, visit friends’ houses for play dates, or go to bed in his/her own room. It could mean that you find yourself adjusting your work schedule, changing vacation plans, or allowing your child to stay home from school because of the panic that separation or a new environment might trigger. You may have stopped suggesting outings, promised to stay by his/her side at parties, and even punished your child for failing to do the “normal” things of childhood. A chronically anxious child can leave parents feeling tired, worried, and manipulated. You want a better life for you and your child. What can you do?

Parents: Manage your own anxiety about your child's anxiety

The first and most important step of helping your child with his anxiety is to manage your own. For most parents, watching your child suffer is distressing and the strain can make it difficult to maintain calm. As your child’s most important role model, your reaction will likely be the most influential factor in how your child learns to respond to these difficult feelings. For many children, the anxiety has become so difficult and persistent, that the child begins to fear the onset of the anxiety itself as much as the original object of their fear. One child client reported to me, “I am not even sure what I am afraid of. Right now I am mostly afraid that I will become scared again”. A child who is scared of anxiety will be much better off with a parent who exudes calm and quiet confidence.

If you are parenting your child with a partner or spouse, you may be experiencing an additional challenge: parental disagreement on how to address your child’s anxiety. According to Treating Childhood and Adolescent Anxiety: A Guide for Caregivers, “Many couples experience tension because one parent is attempting to demand more independent functioning from the child and feels that the other is being overly protective or is ‘giving in to the anxiety’”. In such cases, one parent is concerned that the other is too hard on the anxious child, while the other thinks the “soft” parent is not doing enough to force the child outside their rather small comfort zone. Both parents believe that the other is causing or perpetuating the anxiety. This often starts a process in which both parents attempt to overcompensate for the other’s “mistakes”: The harder the one parent becomes, the softer the other gets, and vice versa. This feeds into a blame game that can create marital tension, which is counterproductive and can increase the overall anxiety level of the family. Rather than getting through his/her anxiety, the child can be left feeling guilty and worried about increasing family tension.

Find the “Middle Way”

The good news is that both parents are right! The “soft” and “hard” parental approaches each have important advantages. However, if not coordinated in a consistent way, the differences can increase tension and create more anxiety. In the softer model, the child feels heard and understands that his/her parent is responding to their needs. In a harder approach, the child’s anxious behavior is not accommodated and, therefore, does not have room to grow and expand its influence upon the child and the behavior. In fact, this firmer style can be containing for an anxious child. Both principles are essential in empowering your child to overcome their anxiety. Children can thrive with parents who simultaneously communicate sympathy for their child’s struggle and model confidence in their child’s ability to manage, and eventually conquer, their fears. At Claremont Counseling and Support, we can work with you to find and maintain this “middle way” through parent training, action plans, and psychoeducation. While working with parents is an important part of the process, we also have therapists who can work directly with your child to introduce the anxiety coping skills that can help him/her take steps toward a more independent future.